rediscovering everything... again for the first time

I am so excited for her

2010-04-14T15:52:00.000-07:00

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/music/interviews/2010/jenniferknapp-apr10.html

This is a great interveiw. It comes from asilly source i suppose only because the church and christian media have a poor knowledge base for the subject manner. Jennifer does a good job of making sure that the interveiw is about her record. She is eventually thawarted by the interveiwer who knows they can sell this article better if they play on the descided ingnorance of our church body in general or the endorsed ignorance from the pulpit of our churchs. I have a problem with christian marking and considering the target demographic of christianity today i really have less than a glimmer of hope for a positive outcome. I also suppose that this is a nice start for the destruction of the aformentioned ignorance. In conclusion, the interveiw hyperfocus' on the sensationalism of that which it is to be gay, lesbian, bisexsual, transgendered, etc. with in the media, even evangelical christian media.

Eitherway, she is free so now you should be in the Name of Jesus Our Christ.

Turns out i am sucker for covers

2010-03-24T17:23:00.000-07:00

Here is my new favorite:

Thanks again!

Look my health teacher made it on the number one gay men blog in the United States

2010-02-10T08:56:00.000-08:00

http://www.towleroad.com/2010/02/fresno-college-professor-relies-on-bible-to-teach-biology-says-that-homosexuality-is-a-disease.html

Check out this link! I sit in the front row every Tuesday and Thursday. We all you knew he was slighlty bigoted, it ozzes out of his being. The only diffrence now is that the ACLU has given him the legal documents that publicly prove its true.

This is task in loving your neighbor for all parties and it looks like he needs to practice what he preaches.

First you see it... then you don't...then you gag

2010-01-29T22:36:00.000-08:00

For the sake of science and minor bordem myself and one lildra had lunch at La Cabana in North Fork. Forgetting we were in North Fork and remembering I am now from the city where you can purchase 1 hershey kiss with a debit/credit card, La Cabana only takes cash. Not five minutes before this event Lil and i had spoken about the wonders of nair and my un wanted back hair. It turned out we were three dollars plus a tip short after our satisfying late lunch. This moment provide the perfect escape for Lily to run to the grocery store/conveince store down the street to get some cash. She found in miniscule health and beauty section there was a bottle of Nair and not much else. I suppose we were not the first people in the mountains to have nothing better to do with an afternoon than Nair some shit.

Thanks for watching and I am sorry if you cannot stop watching it either? I hope you are laughing or aw struck like I was, not gaging and throwing up everywhere.

Do we just sit around and wait for another genocide

2009-12-08T11:11:00.000-08:00

Please see the video at the bottom first:

I think today in the media it would be pretty difficult to really understand the true meaning of genocide with words like terriorist that have been distorted. When i was much younger there was a genocide in Bosnia. i am not to sure of the history and i should probably change that, look into it a little more if i am going to mention it. If i am not mistaking President Clinton sent troops to aid The United Nations releif effort, The United States Military was present there for a few years. The New Oxford American Dictionary states this as the meaning of

Genocide:

nounthe deliberate killing of a large group of people, esp. those of a particularethnic group or nation.

My question is this: is this a United Nations problem or is it "The Keepers of the Free Worlds" job to regulate? The United States hides behind "good will" when it comes to our possible clapsing economy. This is speciffcally seen in Afghanistan and Irag currently, critics have surmsised oil dependencey among other necesities that make our economy run. Will the Obama Administration and he himself as our Comander and Chief take a stand Militarialy to protect human rights across the world? I do not speciffically belevie that violence in any form changes situations for the better, but in current state and history we like use our big weapons to promote peace. Our destructive weapon are more sanctified than your terrorist destructive weapons. Barack Obama claims to be a man and a leader that is for human rights. Currnently i beleive, it is safe to say he has only put a small bandaid on a lot of human rights issuses, he is a busy man. Where is congress?

"I am stuck on bandaide brand, Cause bandaides stuck on me"

We all know bandaides fall of unless you use something like duct tape or super glue to hold it on. i thought of this commerical and it made me laugh in light of this serious subject. Poking at the obbsurdity and irony of a little bandaide that covers something while the wound is still underneath, maybe healing, maybe not.

My guess is because so many of the consevative political religious rights are involved, the possibility of the law being passed in Uganda, the hateful intentions and plausible violience that can incure would and will go unpunished. There is a huge possibly of these American Terriorsts actions getting pushed under the rug and their contributions to the demise of other humans go unpunished. i do not know enough about The Family, but i do know one thing, if we sit back and do not raise our voices against this obsurd law there is a huge chance of passing in Uganda and there will be a genocide. The distruction of a people group, a people group who were born of the same wombs and mothers to which we are all connected. i want to take a stand and say that maybe it is ok not to completly understand a person who sees the world diffrent then ourselves, but to fear diffrence and act out in violence and abuse in reaction to an uncomfortabity in our heads is not right. Further more, the Jesus that was taught as a child would not appreciate the pain and suffering brought on to Yahwehs children across the world in His holy name.

I am calling for a movment to stop this before it starts. Write the President, Your Congress person, Your Senator, The United States ambassiidor to the United Nations and anybody else you think of.

Maybe it is obsurd to think about affecting somebody else government with ours and all the human rights inconsistencies, but then again it is the American way.

These are all possibilities still, the question is still raised, do we sit around and wait or do we do something?

Here is my Religious Political rant for the day, i hope that you will act.

Abuse is never ok, esspecially in the Name of Jesus Christ.

Its really christmas again

2009-11-27T20:51:00.000-08:00

Nancey Botwin on the Showtime show Weeds, during season 5, is required by the Mexican drug cartel to manage a maternity store. There is a line in one of the episodes where she compares her life to when she was doing the drug smuggle, police evading, and the dirty money shuffling to her new life where she is in charge of a front for the Mexican drug cartel. There is a line where she describes going to work, taking her brain out of her head and placing it in the drawer below the cash register. She then goes on to describe how at the end of her work day she pick her brain back out of the drawer and places it securely back into her head at the end of the day, she then gets to think about her family again and the stresses of life.

This described my day today, I went to work, took my brain out, set it in the locker next to my cellphone, and placed my neatly folded cardigan on top of both of these precious commodities. At work I was working the dinning room which basically means busing tables and doing dishes, taking out the trash, and sweeping up the Cheerios that are ground into the carpet after the trendy mothers and their year old children who do not get to eat the delicious corporate factory food we serve get done with their meals. In my old life, last year at this time having to think solely on the dinning room would have been a waste of my middle management huge pay check (sarcastic evil laugh). It was nice to have a good handle on the job, knowing almost all the expectations that were expected and missing a few minor details which in my defense, it was only my second day in charge of keeping the dinning room clean during the lunch rush of black Friday 2009. In the end, i have a good handle on all my job duties already. These statements iare truly minuscule in the grand scheme of things. The best part is i am more a live and free comparatively to where i was a year ago. These are weird statements but make complete sense to me. I should describe them better but i will not.

While i left my brain in my locker it had adequate time to rest so that i can do the end of the semester fever rush to finish all the things i have avoided for the last few months. I also had the opportunity to think about why i have not been listening to country music, i forgot how it important it is for my soul.

Here is the christmas connection, they are playing christmas country music now that it is the day after Thanksgiving, even though most large corpoartions in neatly planned scheme to get their profits up before the end of the year have started celebrating our saviors birth the start of novemember. The Christmas Season seems convoluted to me and i might describe this latter, but i do enjoy songs like this which you can descide how you feel.

Going Home on a Sunday Afternoon

2009-11-24T11:26:00.000-08:00

They were always the best. i would work from early in the morning to around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. Sundays where my favorite day. They were one of those days where you could get excited about the next week, the new guests, and get food prepped for them as much as possible for the incoming group. It was a good day because the stress of the weekend was almost gone and we could get the kitchen really clean, not the "oh let me scrub this wall and then make 80 pizza doughs 2 hours latter." This would inevitably happen, but not on Sunday, you could scrub every single wall and it would actually be clean for a full 16 hours before they were coated with droplets of tomato sauce and soiled again.

My true love for Sunday was after i finished work. i would go home and walk my big dog among the sequoias and sugar pines. i would smell the moist or the dry ground depending on the season. Then i would take a shower and put on nice cloths. Cloths that did not perpetually smell like old garlic or have grease stains running all down the front. Especially in the fall a button up shirt and a warm sweater, nice pants, and a pair of my favorite shoes. i would then get in my car and go "home" (this was only to bass lake, not Fresno). There was a freedom on a Sunday afternoon driving into Oakhurst, maybe the weight of all the things that where weighing on my mind would release and the true beauty of all the people and the life around me would be revealed. Home was Lily's house. It was not really my home, i did not pay rent there, though maybe i should have. i was certainly there more often then not. On my way to her house i would pick up the Sunday New York Times. My favorite issue of the whole week because of all the extras it included like the magazine or the style section, also my very favorite section the wedding announcements. i would roll down my window and drive as close the box where the newspaper was housed, about 5 miles from the camp where i lived and worked. The cool afternoon air would brush against my warm arm and i would grab the newspaper and hug it like a child and his security blanket. i love the smell, the feel of the newsprint, and the sound of the pages turning of the paper. The weight of the newspaper always felt like the perfect weight, not to light and not to heavy, but more heavy then light. At this point i would call Lily and she would start a pot of coffee. She worked Sunday mornings too and Sunday afternoon were always lazy but very rejuvenating. i would drive down the beat up road deep into the woods. The roads were narrow and there were always crazy dogs that would chase the car. Just as soon as you thought the croaked road was going to end somewhere deep in the magic backwoods of Dorstan Drive you would approach a dead end and a magical house.

The newspaper and i would make are way up the stairs to open the front door, we would smell the coffee brewing. We would pour ourselves a cup of coffee and then Lily and i would get intimate with our lover, The New York Times, Sunday edition. She would read the national news section and the week in review. i would start with the magazine and then read the travel pages. We would read the marriage announcements and discuss what really thought of the people getting married. Were they announceing their marriages for status, an old family tradition, or if they were really in love? We always omitted the sports and business section because even if either of us wanted to be interested there was no way that would ever happen. Those sections where tossed aside in some sorted form of abuse. i suppose, we are all human and even with our deepest loves we have the potential and often times hurt portions of our loved ones even if we do not intend too. We would then switch sections and chat about the things of interest we read in our sections.

Some times we would make dessert or have a slice of cake leftover from some church function earlier that day. There is somethings incredible about three or four o'clock in the afternoon with a cup of coffee and slice of cake. If you practise this religiously, i do declare and believe that the calories from the cake do not apply to your waist line, only at this time of the day. There is something in the setting Autumn sun and the glow radiating from the oak leaves. So maybe plant an oak tree so you too can participate in the magic and pleasure our lord has given us in the simplicity of life in these moments.

i think "home" for myself really has nothing to do with a location. Its really the people, the safety and the comfort you find in another person or people that are near to you. There are few to many connections we make with people on a deep level. Anymore, with technology and social networking, even this blog, we use to connect with people but we really do not. Human beings that you trust to share the intimate things of life with is where we really find connection. These do not happen enough, there is something about a broken world where we choose not to connect because the vulnerability and probability that another person will cause more pain then good in our lives. i think i will always strive to find the line and balance of these opposite corresponding ideas. i still find this hard for myself and i am writing this to myself first before i present it to you.

The world to a mid twenties kind of person is confusing because everybody is looking for some sort of family structure. Most 20 somethings find this with their friends and the people they choose to surround themselves with. This really is more true to the 20 somethings who do not have a committed intimate connection with a partner. The family structure of close friends is where i found "home" for myself in the last few years in 4th of July celebrations, dinner get togethers, and more specifically the mundane routine of a Sunday afternoon. In an event driven life these things evoked "home".

he said until i stopped beleveing him

2009-11-04T08:35:00.000-08:00

"It never ceases to amaze me how people who profess to be Christian can be so un-Christian"

quoted from towleroad.com in an article about marriage equality vote in Maine, it did not pass.

This quote, I found on the nations largest gay men's blog. This quote I could not specifically say who said it now but, it was in regards to the election results in Maine a few weeks ago pertaining to referendum 1. This was a marriage equality act that would have made LGBT United States citizens of the state of Maine, more closely equal to the rest of the citizens who do not have to worry about the automatic things that come to the heteros out there.

After reading this quote in the context of the article I found the quote "It never ceases to amaze me how people who profess to be Christian can be so un-Christan" to be so ironic after hearing these sames words coming from a completely different voice. The irony kills me inside, only vaguely, I am only stronger for it now.

Week in and out for the better part of the last two years and some months I would hear this same statement made. I suppose with good intention, this was only for a while, the good intention wore off and evoked of a cow who magically get hits by a truck and then venturing back to the same street to get hit once again by a different car. The cow is clearly dazed after the first time being hit, out of it, slightly injured, but not dead. It gets hit a second time, and it is clearly injured, maybe even borderline of dying at this point, there is a good chance it would still be alive until the next time it gets hit by a car. I suppose this all has to do with the speed and mass of the cow and vehicles, really unimportant to the picture I am trying to paint. From the mouth of this person this statement was condemning and pointed, maybe to inspire people to become a "Better Christian". Was the statement "Christian"? It did not really make me want to be a better christian.

In the article on towleroad.com. The quote is from a mans speech after finding out that Referendum 1 was not passed. This speech was in sad defeat. He was wondering where the love of our Lord Jesus Christ was in a vote like this. I wonder this myself. His plea was is despiration. Was his statement "Christian"?

both of these small stories have the same message with different intents. Who is right? I may never march in the infantry...shoot the artillery, zoom over the enemy...but i am in the Lords army, yes sir. As much as we may not want it religion has always been separate but always a big part of government. We see this with "christian political organizations" like, Focus on the Family, The Christian Coalition, and The Moral Majority. Who is really the "Better Christian"? Maybe the question is; who can make themselves more powerful, and thats how to be the best christian? From pointed to desperate plea, are both these men professing to be christian and both being equally un-christian? I would like to be the judge, as we all do, declare one right and the other so wrong they are sentenced to hell, I am not the judge and i will not judge. I will be confused and disappointed until i find the answers to these questions.

With in our holy cannoned scriptures we so desperately long for black and white and right and wrong. On one side of the book God calls Israel to kill in His name on the other side of the book Jesus says to turn the other cheek. I do not think the black and white exist, gray on the other hand does.

I still find it hard to believe the first man and for this I am very sorry.

How about Ke$ha, she will always cheer you up

Cube steaked bliss

2009-10-29T11:45:00.000-07:00

I, i feel raw

from just around the back side of my esophagus

creeping down the backs of my lungs

snaking around and encompassing my kidneys

cats tongue files up my spine

Resting underneath my shoulder blades

industrially tenderized

cube steak

How do you give?

Where do you go to?

Who is hungry?

Who is cold?

How are her children?

Does the gutter embrace them?

A cube steak would taste nice

He says

Blessed are the widow and child

I say

reach out your hand to mine

He says

Give your coat if any should ask

I say

I need some healing

He says

Faith like a mustard seed moves mountains

I say

heal my wounds

salvage this cube steak

kiddie pools and Ice Cream cones

2009-10-24T19:14:00.000-07:00

Looking back on this year I have spent a lot of time thinking about how persons close to me would react. I would run situations through and through in order to hopefully foresee all the possibilities and all the reactions I assumed I would get. I was afraid and feel a little awful assuming that all my close loved ones who I shared the news with would some how withdrawal from our relationship. I am mad at myself for thinking so poorly of the people who do not think poorly of me at all. I am mad at this culture we grow and raise our children in.

On Monday I went to the IRS's office in Fresno County. I did not really know what to expect. I went because I needed a document that proved to a potential employer that I had in fact done my culinary school internship where I had said that I done it. It was a really nice building , I was pleasantly surprised. Either way, before I got inside I had put money in the parking meter giving myself one hour and 15 minutes. I thought this would be a sufficient amount of time to do the errand I had planned on doing at the "Internal make our country run administration". A day before one of my most important friends had said that we where due to talk. As I put the money in the meter I knew that he would be calling soon. It seems as soon as I start somethings that requires a specific limiting amount of time somebody important want to communicate. This happens also when somebody calls me on the telephone. There seems to be a psychic signal that goes out to the universe and says to at least one other important person in my life should call at that exact moment. This is never a problem, or a great problem to have in my mind, but in contrast to the entire day where I will not receive a call before and sometimes after that for the whole of the day. Anyway, as my assumption was right the call I was expecting came in. It was my dear friend Eric who I had not spoken to in at least a month.

I was anxious because I had tired to muster up the courage two times before this moment to share with him the important event that had taken place in my life. I originally wanted to tell him in person. I thought it would be more meaningful but at this point it was too late. The weekend twice previous to this current Monday was the Human Rights Campaign's National Coming Out Day which also coincided with The National Marriage Equality March in Washington DC. with all the impulsiveness the pours so freely from the dendrites of my neurons I had to show my new welcomed community support. I thought it would be important to claim the day for all the years that I despised my very existence and for all the my brothers and sisters who have gone through the same interior strife. I donated my Facebook picture and profile status to the cause adorning anybody who was to look at my profile and anybody who was lucky to have my communications on their mini feeds with a rainbow . It was very empowering. The only regret I had was that I had not told Eric, he had been the most influential and permanent relationship that I have maintained since the summer we both graduated from high school. At this point I was more worried that he would run across what I had written and be hurt that I had left out this very important detail.

Our conversation was very normal, we went over both of our important life details that we would not have known in the previous month that we had not communicated. As in any good story or conversation there is always a beginning, a middle, and an end. We had reached what you would consider the end and I knew that it was time. So I told him. I was not really worried what he thought because I knew somewhere deep in my soul that since he has known me so well he already had some idea. For all intents and purposes and not having the ability to continue to communicate for both of our time constraints got in the way. I believe he already knew. In this closing part of this conversation I remember telling him that in all the time I was closeted I had wished somebody would have told me that I was gay so that it would not have eaten up so much of my life up to this point. He replied that it was really something you do not tell a person. Looking back on my feeble attempt to live in patriarchal and straight life if I were told I was gay and I would be so offended (this statement needs its own post to be talked about latter).

There was one common things I heard when I began to fully embrace who my creator made me to be and outed myself. The most common thing I heard in many humorous ways and some more serious ways is that people had some previous idea of the matter. In these instances there was my sister one of closest confidant's who repeatedly hit her husband saying, "I told you why did you not tell me," repeating herself at least eight times. The more steady and serious reaction had by most would say, "Oh yeah I already knew."

All of these times I recall to be very freeing and was very glad to have shared myself with all of these people. I remember in at least a few of these times telling the person that I had wished that somebody would have told me so it did not have to sit in a kiddie pool of turmoil seemingly helpless with a ice cream cone where the scoops of ice cream had falling off into the discord. I had wished another person to tell me that I was gay. Eric and many others were completely right in saying that it was not their place say it. I completely agree. I cannot recall in the many years of my straight delusion people communicating that it was alright and even if they did I did not hear them. I still wish somebody would have said to me was that it was alright to be gay.

new favorite song:

Commodification of Queerness

2009-10-13T20:32:00.000-07:00

I am doing a project for my journalism class on how the gay characters commodified in the media. These characters are subordinate and are placed on television as an accessory to the heterosexual. This positioning supports the ideal the lgbt people are less than. The essay that I am basing my research from is by Laura Stempal. She compares the show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and the showtime hit drama Queer As Folk. On network TV the queer has to be wrapped up real pretty for all of the straight people, so they are not offended and if perhaps the show is too gay its put on premium cable channels. Well anyway this video cracked me up and proves the point almost perfectly.

In preperartion

2009-10-08T08:19:00.000-07:00

I have been waiting for this chapter in my life for a very long time, atleast a year. Turmoil of that time is over and new turmoil begins. This turmoil much more mangable, enjoyable even. Preparing for the christmas season, this year it holds new meaning, a new beauty. I feel like I have been reborn, the kind where you jump back inside your mothers womb, the magic of The Gospel kind, the kind where you just finished getting cleaned up of all the labor fluids. I say christmas season beacause as soon as it gets "cold" in fresno, i am quickly reminded of jesus' birth, call me a capitalist, but its true. The story of Jesus evokes the embodiment of rebirth. I feel asleep last night with my favorite christmas song stuck in my head. Unfortunatly it gets stuck in my head year round, but there is some magic or chemical reaction when Mariah and cool air mix. It now gets stuck in there twice as much for sake of the season. It is amazing to think that next year at this time who knows what life will bring, i am really ok with that.

I think i need to figure out why i don't like to be alone.

2007-05-31T21:28:00.000-07:00

I like this song. There is a ton of passion, i wish i had that kind passion that you hear in the lyrics.
I really don't like to be by myself and i think that it goes beyond not having someone near me like it runs deep or something. I think i am tired of it. I think that i should not be afraid to be alone either. Well hopefully i will get some incite.

Broad generalization: Everybody slow drives into Oakhurst when you are behind them, going 35mph into the valley (The road is banked, you can go 55)

Pointed opinion: it always smells like poop at yosmite high school

Freedom should be the ulitimate goal.

2007-05-23T00:33:00.000-07:00

I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about one thing, this has proven to be un fruitful. Like a vine that is choked by a small pot in which grows. Your roots get to big in a small place and then you start to choke out and die. I have spent the last week going through a mini roller coaster of emotions, i was frustrated, then i was sad, theni morned a death of sorts. NOw iam releasing all expectations and it is so freeing. I forgot what freedom is like i am there again and i have missed it a great deal. if feel like the thousand small shackles i have chained myself to have and are being released slowly as i talk. I am me and thats all i need to be.

broad generalization: everybody that likes country music is hick
POinted opinon: People who do not like country are ignorant to its cheesy yet entertaining ways

P.S. I really had to pull i tick of my belly tonight, i almost vomited, i hope i don't get limes disease

on the verge

2007-05-06T02:29:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like you are on the verge of something fairly and incredibly wonderful. This is how i feel, i also feel like i would like to put music and more poetic and smooth flowing words to it, i think it could be beautiful. Its really late at night and life is going really well. i cannot and will not complain.

This song will make you pooop your pants its so funny.

oak room, jukebox, fat tire beer... boring!!!!

a real life thing

2007-04-26T21:23:00.001-07:00

I made the "mistake" of making a broad generalization about older couples in oakhurst, it was this, "next time you are in town count out of how many couples, how many men are shorter, because i think that all of the older men in oakhurst are shorter then their partners." I still believe its true, so there.

i not very pointed tonight sorry :(

In my next career i will be a popstar, hahahahha

a real life thing

2007-04-26T21:23:00.000-07:00

That poem i was talking about

2007-04-16T21:10:00.000-07:00

Aimless Love

This morning as I walked along the lakeshore,
I fell in love with a wren
and later in the day with a mouse
the cat had dropped under the dining room table.

In the shadows of an autumn evening,
I fell for a seamstress
still at her machine in the tailor’s window,
and later for a bowl of broth,
steam rising like smoke from a naval battle.

This is the best kind of love, I thought,
without recompense, without gifts,
or unkind words, without suspicion,
or silence on the telephone.

The love of the chestnut,
the jazz cap and one hand on the wheel.

No lust, no slam of the door –
the love of the miniature orange tree,
the clean white shirt, the hot evening shower,
the highway that cuts across Florida.

No waiting, no huffiness, or rancor –
just a twinge every now and then

for the wren who had built her nest
on a low branch overhanging the water
and for the dead mouse,
still dressed in its light brown suit.

But my heart is always propped up
in a field on its tripod,
ready for the next arrow.

After I carried the mouse by the tail
to a pile of leaves in the woods,
I found myself standing at the bathroom sink
gazing down affectionately at the soap,

so patient and soluble,
so at home in its pale green soap dish.
I could feel myself falling again
as I felt its turning in my wet hands
and caught the scent of lavender and stone.

~ Billy Collins ~

(Nine Horses)

Broad Generalization: This song is hot hot hot!!!

pointed opinion: everything should look Disneyland, be clean and beautiful.

Flesh is Flesh is Flesh Flesh is Flesh is Flesh is Flesh

2007-04-11T08:51:00.000-07:00

This line is in my new favorite song. Its about little things that catch this guys affection for moments in his life. i connect to this, i feel like i do this with alot of things, like currently i bought some rose bushes, they demand alot of my thoughts currently. they are beautiful. Everything beautiful in my life has demanded some part of my affections. this song reminds me of all those things. There is a poem by billy Collins about falling in love with little things like the rocks and things like that, i feel like i have always done this in my life.

Flesh is Flesh is Flesh Flesh is Flesh is Flesh... as thin as it is

"Ah really darling i don't think this place is half as nice as Tiffany's"
Audrey Hepburn

Broad Generalization: If you live in Oakhurst you see at least 4 people that you work with in every trip to town.

Pointed Opinion: clumps of dirt on the cement should be cleaned, cement should be clean to walk on, that's why there is cement, if you wanted mud you would not our cement

it was a decent day

2007-04-04T22:47:00.000-07:00

Cheers to vacations, cheers to good music, cheers to exercise, cheers to passover, cheers to easter, cheers to jesus, cheers to a clean house, cheers to the return of buck, cheers to bend it like beckham, cheers to a good night sleep, cheers to a new sterro, cheers to a home coming, cheers to some lyrics, cheers to lauryn hill, cheers to ziggy marley, cheers to one of the best songs from bob.

just a small tid bit

2007-03-25T23:31:00.000-07:00

why is it easier to say what you really want to say when you had a drink or two? this seems very ridiculous to me, i want to get better at saying the things without help from an impairing substance, the only substance i would hope for would be real life, but then again i always have some imaginary world playing in my head. wtf mate!

Broad generalization: everybody only cares about themselves and are to busy to really want to here about your own selfish desires.

pointed opinion: i think Danny's pizza is poop and really don't know why anybody would want to eat there, the quality of pizza is great except for when you get home an hour latter and you have to visit the Governor for some heavy paper work, and yet its still busy, all the time.

this video is pretty much empowering, be empowered

just a new video

2007-03-24T22:08:00.000-07:00

life had been really good until maybe a week ago. Its really not that bad at all in the first place, but either way i am feeling a bit shitty. When i look back on the last year it had been full of hope and maybe it would even be fair to call it a golden year of sorts, it started last February toward the end and for what ever reason i do declare and believe that it has expired like milk one week past its due date. so then the question is what title does this new year receive, maybe i will find out in august when i could confidently title my last year "the golden year". The next question in my mind is this, will i ever have another golden year? I think its a valid question, i do suppose that it will never be exactly the same and i am fine with that, but really it was an overwhelming joy and warm feeling all the way through, from the tip of my mind to the corners of my soul, pulsating out into my finger tips and warming the souls of my feet. It felt nice, the cynic in me says it probably won't and i am will to trust that for awhile. In good news though peter bjorn and john release this new music video from their latest album titled writers block.

my pointed opinion for the day is this: If you don't like peter bjorn and john you have clearly never heard real music in your whole life.

My broad generalization is: everybody is scared shit less that's why the hide behind their "confidence"

Inspired by a coffee induced insominia

2007-02-27T23:57:00.000-08:00

This on goes out to all those who i told i would never post more than once a day.

It is true i drank a little over .75 galoons of coffee today. My stomach is not doing as well as it normally is but i sure love coffee, apprantly to much. I just like these guys accent, sometimes i wish i was britsh, sometimes i think if i ever went to a new place, like i will one day, what it would be like to start new with an accent. I can imagine it would be a ton of trouble for a few weeks but after that it would become very normal. There would be that chance where you actually meet someone with a real accent and they would look at you funny and ask "from what part of the uk are you from?" you would have to say something along the lines of " we moved from europe when i was just begining highschool, we moved to oakhurst ca, thats where i did most of my growing up anyway, the accent is to perserve my, i mean the heritage to which we both belong. cherreo and good day to you." I wonder if i could pull it off, maybe in Vancouver in a few years?

A lame party shuffle

2007-02-27T23:21:00.000-08:00

i have always liked an ecclectic styles of music, this is very evident when i put my itunes on party shuffle, this does not always create for a party. Unfortunately, this eccletic montage involes alot of music for which i used to listen to more than i do now, i just really like having my ipods memory more full, then just having the music i really want to listen to. It usually goes something like this, i kind of feel really un cool), alison kraus, rod stewart, mariah carey,(but then it picked up and got good, this all happening while i was shoveling snow off my porch, i was shoveling the snow well knowing that there will be two feet on the ground in the morning, it was pruely for exercise)the pick up went like this, death cab, peter bjorn and john, margot and the nuclear so and sos. Then it hit me, i was jamming to margot a few months back while running through a park in fresno, the song skeleton key, came on and as i started up a little drawel on my jogging path, there was this couple who right in the middle of my path were fighting, it looked like a break up, the irony just killed me, i am pretty sure i was laughin really loud as i jogged around them, they probably didn't appreciate it, but thats what you get when do private things in public. so in honor of public drama here is the song, with a tour montage of margot and the nuclear so and sos.

Whats been happening on the satalite radio?

2007-02-21T16:43:00.000-08:00

Well, just a week ago or so a new station popped up, it is a 90s alternative station. As you can image i jumped on the opportunity to share with every body my love for 90s grunge and such. I just love this music cause it reminds me of comfort, when i was in jr high, it was tumultuous time in my life, i really had an awkward adjustment period because my family moved to a new house. So in general, and i am a man of generalizations, even though i hated riding the bus home because the people, i loved riding home, because the people. Please let me explain, the kind of people that where riding on the bus where kids from 7th to 12th grade, they were a rural kind of people, with strange fetish's for either religion or drugs, and sometimes both. I did not like these people for this reason, but then to completely step back from the experience and view it from today's stand point, i love these people because they took my from my WASPy box taught me about life: the pain, the hiding, the self medication of problems, eatting Cherry alkaselzers 10 minutes from school, and the 90s grunge(i kid you not at least ten people wore a flannel over coat or shirt, grunge at its finest).
In honor of the grungy people who showed me life was not about comfort but about nirvana, i have a flaming lips video made in the mid 90s, its not grunge, but he uses good rhyme scheme and we have to give the man credit for that.

heres to hoping and a cool new song

2007-02-04T20:46:00.000-08:00

just last week i was jamming in the kitchen to this song on a satellite radio that will be taken from me shortly. In order keeping bringing you these cool songs i need this radio. Please send a donations to josh Haas 45800 Calvin crest rd, oakhurst ca, 93644

Any way i was peeling potatoes and listening to the words and its simple and juvenile, but in the end we are all a little juvenile until the day we die. I hope i am, anyway, this will ensure my life being a load of fun as much as possible.

these guys are out Sweden i believe, i like them so there

2007-01-30T12:12:00.000-08:00

heres a band i've been listing to. i like them alot. sometimes i am tired of the the shit.

this goes out to a dear dear friend

2007-01-13T22:16:00.000-08:00

monday might be rough but you still have the flaming lips on your ipod.

Confessions

2007-01-11T10:26:00.001-08:00

this goes out to all the unmarried roomates in the world.

put the lights on the tree

2006-12-22T19:17:00.001-08:00

the most beautiful explosion ever

2006-11-30T21:54:00.000-08:00

on tuesday night iwas 15 percent nervous. as you know in the last post a gave my notice. i was not sure how my boss was going to react. there were several options all of which are never rational. in this moment it was the first rational moment i have seen her in at least 6 months. I am still in aww of the way it went down. i go into work and dreed the morning phone call, i dreed it every morning, you never know how its going to go down. The phone rang, goood morning sierra nut villaggio how can i help you, Good morning josh, good morning joann how are you doing, i am doing well(what?), great, and another thing, she says thank you for giving me enough notice, i am really sad to see you go, but understand. I am ever confused at this moment, and now in aww, i am still in aww. the most beautiful explosion i have ever seen. in my whole life. God is Good!

I dropped a bomb

2006-11-28T19:02:00.000-08:00

yesterday i gave my notice at the nut house, hopefully my boss who said she was going to be there yesterday afternoon, who was not, got my letter. I wanted to tell her along side give her the letter. oh well, i guess i get to hear about it tommorow, i am really excited.

this was along time ago, it was to much fun. i was going through i a box in my closet and was plesantly surprised to find this and other pictures of the same nostalga.

baby anybody?

2006-11-09T21:32:00.000-08:00

this was at a really good concert, but even more good, they are going to have a baby. mommy and daddy cosby. I wonder if the baby will be called cosby too? maybe little cosby?

it was an experiment...

2006-11-08T21:11:00.000-08:00

so i was going for akward tonight. so this is what i did, after an intense bike ride i took a shower. That was not exciting, just cold for spuratic moments when my roomate was using the water in the other bathroom. Then i put on a polo shirt, bright yellow, i buttoned up the buttons all the way to the top. i then put my jeans on and tucked in just the front of my shirt behind my biggest belt buckle. i then stolled to the movies theature, oh i forgot, my new shoes that had never worn i put those on too, they are ekko, i don;t know, that ghetto brand. I picked them up from my shoe lady a year ago and never put them on, needless to say they were shiny to shiny. i went to see (Borat) this movie crossed lines that have already been crossed in life. except for one thing. there was alot of naked man. this total package ;) was completly awkward. there was a naked fat man too. i do not have that much of an opinion beyond this. my experiment continued as i had dinner at california pizza kitchen. the rule on this part of my evening was this (cpk is for lovers). I do not have a lover. i broke this rule. except for the bar tender, maybe one day she can be my lover, maybe not, probably not. She sang to the songs on the radio, she only sang the ones i liked. it was a good salad. The most awkward moment of this part of the evening was this, she grabed my empty glass and grabed it back and said;" don't worry about it, i can't drink any more liquid." she said," i will get you some water then" i did this on purpose, for being awkward in this past evening. mission accomplished, all of the booths in the whole restaurant where filled with couples no others where in the booths.

this picture was done by me when i was in highschool, this was probably my first art piece recongnized as art.

there are 46 more days, i cannot hardly wait, nor can any of you in computer land.

There are things and stuff and 47 days

2006-11-07T19:31:00.000-08:00

My favorite story from the nut house lately has been this... i was told that i need not to work over time because my boss could not afford to pay me the over time. well but 5 days latter she bought a brand new lexus hybrid. this is bull shit. i will be excited for the next time she complains about money, i will simply say, for 10,000 plus dollars less you could have gotten a brand new toyota, they don't break down as much, you could have afforded to train a staff for your christmas season. lifes a bitch and then you die. whoopsy."
p.s. this man appreciates the sass.

there are 47 days until i am offically done working at the nut house forever.

how many days left you may ask

2006-11-01T17:45:00.000-08:00

53, hell yes

tyson should be on tv, look at that perfect little face

i feel a little ridiculous

2006-10-31T18:35:00.000-08:00

how do control things you can't control... you can't, maybe i ought to get over that and just trust. Maybe i ought to stop fighting, maybe it would be easier, maybe i should just relax. 54 more days and no more nut house fooor ev eerrrr

crying...

2006-10-24T18:43:00.000-07:00

It's not depression everbody, lets be excited. it has been depression in the past, but instead this time it has been anxiety of the unknown as well as a huge control issue. My mother is a wonderful woman one many people should meet, she bless the hell right out of you and thats no joke. she is a revolutionary of sorts in her own way. the reall point of this is i got my huge control issue from her. I am tired of it. God is good, i am pretty sure this is what we are working on in my life. today has been a day of immense blessing and growth. i feel like one post will not do, i might have to. Thats my main issue, control. Other than that, the title of the post means this... All of the events in my life in the past few weeks have been rough and these weeks have been a colmination of one pray i prayed one week at camp after my dear friend spoke about her depression. She talked about crying while driving in the car and how important it was to her. I then thought to my self i have'nt really cried in a long time. i wanted to cry. This pray and every other prayer i have been praying for atleast the year have been answered. My tear had gone from utter despair, hurt, confussion, fear of the unknown, to sure joy. This has really been my past few weeks. Today i cried on the phone with my mother for joy in my current circumstance, its a good circumstance where i know that i am wanted more than i have ever felt wanted before ( i struggle with this, maybe one day the root will come to light, for now i will continue on a control issue. Any prayers would be greatly appreciated. This has been a year of answered prayers. They do get answered, even more than you'd ever fathom they would. woah

depression and me

2006-10-20T15:45:00.000-07:00

i had a catering event that worked on at my parents kitchen. I was talking to my mother about my current work situation. I has really not been good lately so i have started looking for another job. i was discussing with my mother how i get depressed when i don't have a job and in this realization i realized that i still have a job and am still depressed. so with or without a job currently iam depressed. When i am uncofortable i am also very anxious and i don't like they way it makes me feel. i feel uncofortable. i feel uncofortable in my own skin. This was after the conversation about being responsible to the people i ow money on a weekly and monthly basis. i can't fix in my head that it is responsible to be depressed. i don't know how to change the depression either.

I vote i am sick of my coat for a while i don't want the responiblilty it intails and i am told on a daily basis i am not good with that responsiblity. i do not beleive that, at all mostly. but i do somtimes and that has been my down fall lately, believing the lies my enemy tells me. its alot easier to tell other people that then to beleive it yourself. for now i am surving, hopefully tommorow i will be on the road to thriving.

p.s. life is currently half empty.

Its been almost 2.5 years

2006-10-19T21:46:00.000-07:00

I have'nt cried, in that long. i like a good cry, i think i would not have considered myself a cryer up until a few days ago. It felt good, i felt like nice my tear ducts filling with warm tears. they began to roll down my face as some song about how to save a life, by the fray maybe, i don't know. i cry alot when the walls close in on me and its happening today. any way the nut house is weighing even heavier on my soul. I can't sleep at night, i might have the ability to sleep coming soon. I need a new job, now.
p.s. this is a picture of me at a weird concert where the artist said in a poem," if you got pain and you know it clap you hands." just like song when you are a kid, if your happy and you know it clap your hands. He was apealing to emo crowd. there were more boys wearing girl pants then there were girls wearing them. i did not stay for his show i went to the starbucks down the street. the good part of the show was, A pagents end they played. they are way better. i got pain and anguish may i clap my hands. i think i will.

Old feelings set in...

2006-10-09T21:04:00.000-07:00

I feel like i had a wonderful summer sabatical. I was wonderful i felt alive more alive then i think i have ever felt before. I look back and see that it was really a stepping stone to more depression and slavery. I now have a good point base my bitchs from, the light and now the graying horizion. I feel like the depression is onsetting again. i don't think i like this but i don't think i can control it as much as i would like to think i could. I am going to blame the nut house and a scattered brained boss that frustrates me on a multi typical basis. Either way i am on the count down, a little over 8 months. Praise the Lord there is a freedom coming. I feel as if i am a slave captive, the only diffrence is there is a end coming. Either way I AM RIDING BACK IN BITCHS...i thought the period of depression in my life was over for awhile, i was wrong probably just like ususal. i hope use this a venting system, there will be good nut house stories to come... you can count on this

2006-08-30T22:47:00.000-07:00

i really not sure if i am ever really going to post here, it reminds of a time of depression but mostly spritual repression. The Lord wants us free for his glory because he is the Almighty. you can now find me with the devil at myspace www.myspace.com/jhaasy .Off to better times of peace. heres a photo that reminds me of real freedom

I am ten feet from the edge and i am thinking

2006-05-27T23:15:00.000-07:00

this all you get. some days i feel like shit. i not posting for a long time. this is all you get. grim reeper of thy blog prononce me dead and you might get your wish. dye to me smaller corporation. sustain me oh larger corporation. fly me oh love of my life, fly me to your skies. and bite this!!!!!!

This is me riding out...bitches

It was a teddy geiger day

2006-05-13T21:03:00.000-07:00

i have this love hate for the confidence song. Its a great karoke number. I can sing all the words. I can sing the words mostly because it makes me laugh and because it make me laugh it puts me in a good mood singing it. wondering the streets in a world underneth it all, nothing tastes as good as what i cant have. like you and the way your twisting your hair round your finger...cannon ball into the water, thats what il do to get through to you yeah, i gotta muster every ounce of confidence i have... my favorite part is easily " excuse me if i studder from all the clutter in my head, i could fall asleep in those eyes, like a water bed". Take that high school girls. The reason why it was a teddy geiger day is because, i heard it three time, going to work, on lunch break, and the way home. i bet you wish you where there to hear me, i got killer american ido skills

When i think about rain...

2006-03-27T22:26:00.000-08:00

It has rained for days on end with short interludes of spring like conditions. The spring like days require 1 large pot of iced tea, the rain requires 2 pots of soup plus 1 pot of leftover soup. They both hold the same place in my refridgerator. Make up your mind!!! please.

Furthermore, the rain reminds me to eat good food, like tonight i went on a tower district adventure. We went to irene's. It was good, i hear the service is horible on other occasions, but mostly it was the best pot roast and mashed potatoes i have had in this town since i have been back. That was good food, the vegetables were perfectly done. Then we went to a place called teazers. a brillant tea shop where the bulk of there product never goes bad. Either way, the tea was good as well as the macarroon, the ambiance was kick a$$.

Even more so, the rain reminds me of her. Each drop falls alone, it hits the ground and meets up with the collective. I long to fall and join her collective. I could not get away even if i tired the tea tonight was a jasmine highlighted oolong tea, it brought me back to times i spent with her. The wind runnning through her pristine hair with hints of jasmine from her shampoo, quite possibly her pours. Maybe soon but probably not, will we meet again?

picture caption: Hachiya persimons, warm and floral smelling, sweet when ripe. warm fall days and cool fall nights, she still on my mind.

Insomnia

2006-03-19T15:12:00.000-08:00

I am far from complaining. I worked a 13 hour day yesterday. This makes me assume after standing on cork soled birkenstocks all day i would be tired. It didn't work. i lay awake for a good portion of the early morning. i heard awful noises outside my window, i pretty sure it was cats. There is something un calming about cats fighting. Either way, i also blame it on her, shes a mystery, i can;t lie. I know her lips compare but even more, surpass the plush and ample beauty of these beets. In my perception these and all beets cooked correctly are on the top of my list for beautiful things God has given us. I also know that the beets are beautiful before they are cooked, the cooking brings a suttle and sultry seductive quality out in them. I am doomed, cause all my thoughts are drawn back to her, the beets only compliment.

p.s. i had these on christmas day with my family. my mother made them, its baby golden and baby sugar beets oven roasted in kosher salt, pepper, rosemary, and an outstanding californian olive oil that compliments the beauty of the beets( think of a field of wild flowers in the spring all bottled up).

Happy New Year!!!

2006-02-27T21:21:00.000-08:00

two things on my mind latly. Hungry hungry hippos eating peanut m and m's. Howard is my favorite. the pink ones name is happy. I took me three weeks to do the latte like that and i havn't been able to re create it. Other random thoughts; i like to lay in bed all day when it is cloudy!!!!!

i figured i finished or somthing like that!

2005-11-30T17:26:00.000-08:00

i got like 6 bottles left:

i have one bottle of Victor Hugo 2004 viognier. This is a really good wine, its cool and crisp with a mild acidity. This is the perfect wine for beginers. You should all have some!

i have one bottle of Trou de bonde 2004 pinot blanc. This is another cool crisp wine, it is also perfect for beginers. The cool thing about this bottle of wine is even aged wine drinkers enjoy it, it brings a complex flavor to a grape that generally is minimally pleasing to the palate. This is from The santa maria valley. I don' generaly eat shrimp, or shrimp cocktail but this one goes great with them

I have one shining star in my minimalist colection, it is Rombaur Chardonay from 2004 its so good, but generally this is a hypy wine.

I two sparkkling wines ones some off brand italian sparkling chardonay. Then i have real champgne it is good, mostly cause i got this one for free. It retails for like 26.00 i love it

i have one more bottle of sautern, it is a french wine where the grapes mildew and then they make wine with those. it has some banna flavor in it. its nice with berries and ice cream.

i also have grappa in some jello, its good aswell.

The suspenice must be killing you...

2005-11-19T22:30:00.000-08:00

I know that everybody is really excited to check out my rack. I am sorry to keep you waiting.

I had a really good day so i am feeling long winded, i will finish my reds this very evening!

1 bottle: 2002 Prospero ( this is pernounced like the character in the tempest) syrah
I cannot tell a lie, i am not a big fan of valley wines, this one was grown fermented in Madera of all places( that was spoken with a nose lift). Any way on the other hand this is an incredible bottle, this why it lives on my rack. I love syrahs, i love their jamy dark red fruit qualities, this one stands out on my palate.
(pause)
I am now going into one of my favorite winerys in paso, i just got this wine shipment three days ago!

1 bottle:! Victor Hugo 2003 petite sirah
There are 2 clarifications on this bottle, if you notice.
-victor hugo has nothing to do with the writer, it is just this mans name. i love his mother, cause she named him victor hugo, he had never read any of vics books
-you will notice a seperate spelling of sirah from the last one, the truth of the mater is there are three was to spell it only 2 acceptable ways to spell it in my book. There is Syrah, Sirah, and never shiraz! this seems very okkie to me! I tryed this one in there agian barn its good. Petite sirah is one of my favorite grapes

1 bottle: 2002 victor hugo cabernet sauvignon
This one is the lated realease, it was aged for 25 months in french and hungarian oak.

1 bottle: 2002 victor hugo opulence
this is my all time favorite from victor hugo and specifically this vintage. i have had three great experiances and three incredible bottles, This one is also know as a bordeux blend. this can also be called a meritage or a claret. These titles mean that these bottles of wine have a blend of 5 grapes. cab franc, malbec, petit verdot, cab sauv, and merlot.

One quick note i obtained a box of merlot! this is not acceptable, to any one any where. I am curently throughing it out.

Good night and good ridience!

Uhuh this my rack...all of you stomp your feet like this

2005-11-16T21:25:00.000-08:00

Two times i been around this rack... so i will tell you whats on it!!

5 bottles: Villa de leon, barbera d alba
I got these from my boss, these are tainted bottles. last year at this time she had a boy friend he was this nasty old man, he claimed to love her so she spent alot of money on the product that he sells. when she broke it off i got a case for free. Its not that good, but its not that bad! i like w/ pasta
1 bottle: La contea, mediteraina
This is a bottle of italian white table win, this company can be compared to the america brand gallo, they got vineyards and market all over the place
1 bottle: Murphy Good petit verdot from the murhy ranch, this is an estate vineyard bottle, sucka
i have bought three bottles in my life, one to enjoy with a big t-bone by myself. One to share with my dear wine drinking buddy. One for an unknown special occasions yet to happen. I really like this one, its defiently better with people
1 bottle: eberle 2001 cabernet sauvignon
I think this one can stand up to any napa cab, its great because its half the price of a napa cab. This is from paso robles, on the east side, who would have guessed good wine grapes would come from the eastside?

p.s. this is only part one!

This is what i know about myself

2005-11-09T20:37:00.000-08:00

I love bacon... I am super impulsive

heres the story:

I was not feeling very well one night!

I wen to save mart ( this is hard for me cause i like to buy everything)

I was having a collard craving

I rendered bacon, sauted onion, deglazed with crown, wilted the collard added chicken stock, add a can of black eyed peas and simmered

THen i enjoyed for two days

the bacon was hickery smoked so the crown brought out the beautiful smoky flavor

wish you were here, best wishs to all you out there in lala land

Yeah i tried a new spice cobination...

2005-11-04T22:03:00.000-08:00

Taste like shit!!!

Any way, i am over fresno, anybody have an idea for a cool new place to live?

Food is depressing when it taste bad.

Its my own fault, mostly, don't cry for me argentina

I wish there was garlic in my mash potatoes

2005-10-28T23:17:00.000-07:00

So a few weeks ago, we had this grasshopper infestation at the nut house. I think i made the nut house sound gross. Its actually gross for other reasons, not the grasshoppers. Any way, it seem like every time i turned around there was grass hopper. They were in the back room, on the patio, and on the wine bottles. A few months ago i posted on hype in the wine world. It just so happens that this old grass hopper perfers the hype. Rusty was his name, before i sent him out the front door. He's probably dead. I assume this because i don't think their lifespans are very long. I feel like possibly his name changed as he left the nut house, as a kind of re introduction to the world. Rusty is sitting atop a half bottle of Justin Isosceles. This is a mostly great wine with the price of the cult classics, it like like 25 dollers for 2.5 glasses. This was the interesting happenings of the nut house.

(here is a side note)( the new vintage of Justin Cab, got an 87 from wine spectator, i laugh to all the people who are mad!!!)

oh the mashed potato thing, i feel like my life is boring, it needs some flavor.

Its about that time...

2005-10-20T21:13:00.000-07:00

lifes funny, it seems like at work whenever i try to leave for an extented period of time(like two or three days in a row), i usually get some ridiculous person who wants to place a ridiculous order. If they called an hour earlier i can do it easaily with no problems. Like today, i will be leaving for the weekend, i am in a good friends wedding. This man calls and wants an "assorted nut tray". Unfortuatly its literally 3 minutes unitl i am supose to clock out. Unfortunatly i have never done such a thing at the nut house. so i am not very nice to the man on the phone, i was frustrated and that he would have the nerve to ask me such a thing. Like i was saying earlier in this passage, if i wasn't fired up and slightly angrey he would have gotten better customer service. Oh well, we all go a bit nuts sometimes and in my case its way easier cause i am around them more frequently.

On a lighter note:( this is what i really wanted to post)

Cheasy things make me giggle, because they are cheasy, and i like them very much.

Now let me tell you about where i took this picture. I was in machine gun nantional park in the country of whatever and i found this beauty. This was obviously ordained by god because this large whale jumped out of the water and created a big splash. before this when i approached the rock there were 25 and half seagulls just hanging out. The splash scared the sh*t out of them and for a moment this beautiful red rock was white. Needless to say the large splash cleaned off the dirty and the rock in its splender right in front of your eyes is the way it was after that glorious moment.

p.s. this picture i found on justins computer at the church, but i was really there, sometimes my dreams come true( wink wink) end wink!

I have been encouraged

2005-10-11T18:22:00.000-07:00

Over the past two days I have been encouraged to post a gain. Most of the time I feel like nobody reads this, this is why I seldom post. These are my own issues and I am not fishing for sympathy comments, so don't.

Any way, I seldom go to McDonald's, like twice a month, usually. I went and they are currently playing the Monopoly game. I like this, it makes me feel funny like a kid or something. Any way I and most avid players in America have received two of the rail roads. If I collect all 4 then I could possibly win a dodge viper. I would love one of these.

I have one question: if you have collected them and don't hope to win a dodge viper like me, could you please send them to me I would love you forever. If you really care about me you will send them to this address:
Dodge Viper Winner Hopeful
c/o Joshua D. Haas
5098 E. Ashlan Ave. #103
Fresno, ca 93727

Slight disclaimer:
I do not condone the sales of fatty McDonald's food, or the consumption, only in moderation.
I do condone McDonald's America Inc. Giving me a dodge viper

!!--I will trade monoply tiles with you, i don't want this to be one sided!!!

subject: my favorite body part to date

2005-09-30T18:55:00.000-07:00

I love my belly at twighlight... that is all

If the cats dehydrated let it drink

2005-09-25T11:46:00.000-07:00

This is for my dear friend who is a gentalmen and a scholar. He lives in the room next door.

I think i am in love...

2005-09-19T18:28:00.000-07:00

Today i went to work and my kitchen floor is in the middle of being re-done. There were big nasty cracks that ants were climbing up throught and cracked floor paint that needed a lift. This was gross and besides the point. Right before i left a lady came in to pick up a basket that she wanted made for the kaiser permentes 2000th (cat a rack)(sound this one out) patient. The new kaiser marketing thing is "thrive" apprantly they are all about "healthy living" even though they denie their patients correct and prompt health care when they need it. This is also besides the point and corperatly gross. They have promotional marketing tools, also known as stress balls. They were not in shape of ball though, this next part really excites me!!! they were in the shape of vegetables, a head of broccolli, cabage, and tomatoes. Vegetables just really excite me, when i go to the farmers market, or the gorcery store, and even when i am just talking about them to somebody. call me crazy i don't care, and please know that i love meat as well, i am not a vegitarian, if i was i would surly die.

These are my sweet one hundred tomatoes from my vine! they are like candy, from God!!!

Now we will dip a little deeper into my psychosis, if you so choose. If you can't handle j. haas' weird intricacies do not read any more. here comes a bit of irony, as well.

I was sitting in the drive through at carl s junior after leaving work two hours early. I left because my kitchen i torn up and i could'nt do any more. So i left. i spent an abnormally long time in this drive through. there were only three cars and i am pretty sure the transfer rate as stated by the corporate carls jr. inc says that 30 seconds is more than enough time to make the transaction (This is not to be quoted, and real stipulations on drive thru transaction times may in fact be slightly longer). This is all besides the point! While day dreaming i was imagining what kind of vegetables my kids will eat. It expanded to the first vegetable purree i will prepare for them, to warm sunny afternoons working in the garden with them and then to their love for the goodness from the seed and dirt. ( the irony is that i was in the drive thru)

Though most of the times as humans we only know how to treat our kids from the way our parents did. If this is the case, the garden on a warm afternoon will be fridged and freezing cold. This spawns from my own tainted veiw of my child hood in my fathers garden. I hope more than anything that my kids regard it as their garden, not just there fathers.

Somethings missing

2005-09-11T22:27:00.000-07:00

Somethings missing that is very important to me. Its somewhere in my depth. I do this with actual matierial things as well. Its kind of daunting. It never happend like this before. It feels like i forgot something, or there spot kind of back by my kidneys that empty. Is it even possible to lose somthing within yourself, i guess it is cause it happend to me. I hope i can find it soon. Thank you for reading

The good old days and euphoria

2005-09-05T21:42:00.000-07:00

Its not common to move from your parents house to a new place to live and accuire stuff that you don't really remember having. I honestly don't remember how they got into my backpack. My guess is they wanted a new life, just like me. My actual guess comes about, when i clean my room, i had a massive amount of crap in my room from around 5 years of collecting previously. Any way it was still a big surprise two and half months after moving to the condo that i foud the stowaways in my back pack( obviously i don't use my back pack very often). Still, let me finally get to my point. Vunerable moment ahead and ready to catch ridicule: These were the best friends i kid could have. They did not steal my bike or hit me when i would not play the way they wanted me too. They were always there, and even today it seems like they are always here:) Any way still to my bigger point. Even when you grow old, (which iam looking forward too) you will still remeber obsucure little things about you life, they are important. Oh crap i have gotten really distracted and can't remember any further what i wanted to write. Sorry;(

p.s. i miss euphoria, where have you gone? Mundane is mundane till euphoria comes back then she's diffrent again. I only like change when i get bored or feel mundane.

Sorry again for my lost train of thought, it sucks i feel like it could have been profound, but what do i know?

I had a dream, to bad it didn;t come true

2005-08-27T18:05:00.000-07:00

i would be like this:

I am driving home from work, slightly early, beacause i had had enough for the day. (the truffle case is the main culprite, its not staying 61 degrees to save the life of the The Queen of england, this is because it has to, all the time.) Basically, i am like screw this! I am on the freeway driving south, i pass Herndon, then bullard, then i receive a phone call. Thinking its my dad calling i am reluctant to pick it up. THen i notice that her name is on the screen. I pick it up and say "Hello?" She says, " i just realized i had nothing to do this evening, so i thought of you." I say" Well i am sorry to say that have plans, some good friends are visiting from out of town, but you are more then welcome to come to, you also know them very well." She says,"I would be so excited to see them, could i please go?" i would then say," Sure, i will come and pick you up in 45 minutes, it would be my pleasure." She says," oh its going to have to be just slightly a few more minutes then that, i have to put my face on." I say," worry not about your face, its is beautiful just the way it is, unless its really lying on the counter, then please put it on. She laughs and says," Shut up, i will see you in a few minutes!" Euphoria.

To bad huh!

Chenin Blanc and cheese

2005-08-24T22:32:00.000-07:00

if anybody reads my blog you are cordialy invited friday evening to my back patio for a 2004 Bogle Chenin Blanc and cheese and stuff, please let my know if you are coming by leaving a comment.

Hola, como estas corizon?

2005-08-14T21:54:00.000-07:00

heres to a kite, dancing in the spring wind

2005-08-12T23:19:00.000-07:00

I've got another confession to make, and i am no fool-

89% cabernet sauvignon and 11% cabernet franc- incredible from Presidio, Interlude of Napa valley- a red table wine to send you to the moon. Goes good with tater tots or calzone.

I got peas on my head, don't call me a pea head
got bees on my head, don't call me a bee head
bruce lees on my head, don't call me a lee head

*one fancey dessert for you if you know who sings the last stanza*

peace out

2005-08-09T15:32:00.000-07:00

Why is the world all about hype? 5 people think something is alright, 5 people convince 5 more people each and you have an explosion of hype. There are "hype people" in rap groups and every body is looking for somthing big to fill an intrest. What would Usher be without lil jon in there song, "Yeah?" My guess is a pretty boy whore. Add some gutteral noises and "Bam!" (thats a bad connection to emeril laggssse. His hype making abilities are endless and desire their own post. Now to the real reason why i am writing; i have found a new facet of hype. This one resides in Wine. This picture is a painting of Justin Vineyards wine making facilities the two small building in the front are where they currently crush their grapes and back building is where they age their wines. This is an absolute true interperitation of these buildings. They are painted bright colors like disney land. This is hype. Nobody should be attracted to this little peice of hype. This all stems from a conversation with my boss. I was telling him about the trip i took to paso robles two weekends ago. This winery is only hype, thats all it is. The wine is good wine, but is definently not the best wine ever. people fall for the hype and think it is, its garbage compared to some small mom and pop winerys that don't have an elaborate computer system to catalog all there wine barrels. Then again i not really impressed by hype. In the sprit of huge ass winerys with big ass systems, and the big ass castle that lies where the picture is being painted from upon its hill. This spirt calls for a shot of jack daniels, the wine of the tennesee.

2005-08-07T15:21:00.000-07:00

i am tired! I am tired of conspiracy and i am tired of waiting. I am tired of the mundane. THe waiting room is horrible, like at an emergency room, especially alone. have you you ever done that. Its the worst feeling in the world, even if your not that sick

2005-07-24T22:48:00.000-07:00

Continued: The skinny on my favorite hybrid; 80% plum snf 20% apricot, you get all the good qualities of both and none of the bad qualites. Unfortunatly its not true of all hybrids, like cars, but in this instance it is. The height of pluot season was like two weeks ago, but you will continue finding all sorts of varities for the next few months. Usually grocery stores only carry one varity because people don't quite know what they are and how they taste. They have the texture of a plum but alittle bit tighter in side. They have the sweetness of both and a nice tang. Go out and try one and please report back to me. The pluot is only like ten years old and slowly gain popular momentum. Make it popular on your summer popular fruit list today.( do not delay) this post is to a good friend who linked my blog on his sight, long live the jetta!)

2005-07-24T22:27:00.000-07:00

Funny thing about hybrids, every one is into them these days. Unfortunatly until people start enjoying my i dea of a perfect hybrid their price will still be 2.99 a pound in the supermarket. I cannot even begin to imagine what there price is on the east coast.

a pathetic puppy waiting

2005-06-21T22:24:00.000-07:00

This one time in culinary school: i got real board of watching televison. this was near the end and i was planning to move back to fresno. There is this killer trail out of pasadena that lead to mount wilson. At sunset i went up there i had been there before, i liked it alot. Anyway there was this anticipation because as soon as the sun set you could see all the lights come on in the La basin, especially downtown la. It was super beauitiful, exciting. along with the antipation of starting new there was this feeling of looking back and seeing where i came from at the begining of my short journey. I feel that right now, with out the looking back part. I can only sit and wait for the moment that the sun is just fallling behind the hill in front of me. I can see the next chanlange ahead and only wait for that to come. So i sit like puppy after doing a trick to get its treat. realy quite pathetic, i checked my email 5 times today, what i was expecting hadn't come. thank you windows xp for the killer visual aid

2005-06-08T00:05:00.000-07:00

Don't you wish you lived in Texas? I got to thinkin and i don't think i would mind, mostly because you could go here!

10 minutes Longer on an already long drive

2005-05-19T00:05:00.000-07:00

My lamment a little less

My regret a little much, if my regret was money i would have more today than i did when i woke up

A bit of excitment, a possibilty

I love jumping the gun, its not always a wise thing

!Love line is raunchee!

Come and get me, i am only a freeway a way and not peter pan

Thoughts on a freeway headed East

2005-05-14T23:32:00.000-07:00

I love the possibility of an open field in the evening
I miss the full moon
What about the Ricochet?
The orange orchard connects to the back side of my brain
I probably won't ever see her again
Rinse and repeat!

Love and peace

2005-05-04T23:58:00.000-07:00

this is really the picture

2005-05-04T23:57:00.000-07:00

my first published work, my name is not mentioned but you can't have ever thing. See the article about my cannoli at www.fresnobee.com type in "the big cheese" into the search box, its in the life section off wednesday the 4th of may

Mint lemon ice cream, almost time.

2005-04-05T23:08:00.000-07:00

What do you think about Pentecost?

How would you react to the holy spirit?

Would you just intellectualize the event away in your head?
(pass it off as something else)

Please voice your opinions, honestly?

This one time in culinary school we spent three days just making ice cream and other frozen delights like sherbets, sorbets, and frozen mousses. It was a great deal of fun. Mostly because the machine put out soft serve ice cream in 5 minutes of putting your base in. You know you go to culinary school when you run out side to cut the mint out of the flower bed to flavor your ice cream. Yum

Sonnet of the Evening

2005-03-28T23:55:00.000-08:00

109
O! never say that I was false of heart,
Though absence seem'd my flame to qualify,
As easy might I from my self depart
As from my soul which in thy breast doth lie:
That is my home of love: if I have ranged,
Like him that travels, I return again;
Just to the time, not with the time exchanged,
So that myself bring water for my stain.
Never believe though in my nature reigned,
All frailties that besiege all kinds of blood,
That it could so preposterously be stained,
To leave for nothing all thy sum of good;
For nothing this wide universe I call,
Save thou, my rose, in it thou art my all.

2005-03-28T23:40:00.000-08:00

"Take that Girly Man"

Its a two poster and a name change

2005-03-27T23:34:00.000-08:00

Its only fair to tell you why. There have been changes since i started this blog, like i am no longer a student but a graduate of culinary school. Now i am the executive bistro Chef at the Sierra nut house. Lately some poetry and what not have resounded strong in my life. I miss it, i kind of kicked it off the back end of my pick up truck, and have just picked it back up after it had wallowed in the mud while i went elsewere on my trip. Its still a little dirty but slowly i will clean it off. Shakespear is my all time favorite. I am stuck on sonnet 109. Today on the other hand its is easter sunday. i was asked to read scripture at my church service. As soon as i read it, it kicked my ass, which is cool, so let it kick yours:

Psalm 114
1 When the Israelites escaped from Egypt--

when the family of Jacob left that foreign land--
2 the land of Judah became God's sanctuary,

and Israel became his kingdom.
3 The Red Sea[a] saw them coming and hurried out of their way! The water of the Jordan River turned away.
4 The mountains skipped like rams, the little hills like lambs!
5 What's wrong, Red Sea, that made you hurry out of their way? What happened, Jordan River, that you turned away?
6 Why, mountains, did you skip like rams? Why, little hills, like lambs?
7 Tremble, O earth, at the presence of the Lord, at the presence of the God of Israel.[b]
8 He turned the rock into pools of water; yes, springs of water came from solid rock.

Hear the word of our Lord

2005-03-27T23:28:00.000-08:00

Dos lamb chops over a fennel new potato salad, surrounded by roasted shallots and garlic, sauced with parsley oil and a thyme veal reduction sauce, topped with a parley salad dressed in a thri citrus vinigrette. Take that emeril!

A smigit of preface

2005-03-26T00:20:00.000-08:00

i consider this my first piece of art, there were some great photo graphs before it but i did not consider my self an artist. Actually it would be a difficult name to pin on me in my opion. I suppose it has somthing to do with self esteem, funny word that is. I love ketchup, i used to put it on beef. usually tri tip. If i remember correctly we had had tri tip for dinner. my eye thought i "needed" more ketchup than i did. Needless to say there was extra. In some culture a swan represents beauty, there is beauty in this picture you find it sucker, and tell me about it. This is no joke i made this with kethcup and my fork. Any body want a shirt?

2005-03-24T23:01:00.000-08:00

No your typical kethcup

Somebody will probably kill for this

2005-03-16T23:33:00.000-08:00

It is true. I was talking to a good friend the other night and she sent me some of her poetry. I have always thought she was an incredible artist, which she is. So for lack of a better post i will risk pissing somebody off. i am pretty she doesn't read this but we will find out after this. Get ready for incredible!

With a Flower Comes a Kiss
by the most incredible poet i know

In the heat of a May afternoon
I waddle behind my father to the garden.
His chore: plant Marigolds around the border.
My mother afraid I might trample
her freshly sprouting stalks, closes the garden gate.
Undeterred I grab a fistful of orange flowers
the soil in compact squares straight from the nursery.
Still in diapers, and not tall enough to reach over the wire fence,
I pass each ruffled puff ball through the chain links.
My dad helps my small fat fingers snake each blossom through.
While he pats each plant into place,
I press my face against the wires, jut out my jaw,
pucker my lips and wait,
eager for the kiss I know will follow.

One day my dad will shake his head.
He'll wonder why he every taught me
that with a flower comes a kiss,
as he watches the line of boys at my window
each holding a flower.

please comment i would love to hear what other people think.

Hows this for...

2005-02-27T22:58:00.000-08:00

RIVETING

http://www.rivetin.com/brakeman-riveting-tools.html

just thought i would run that by you.

Music of the Week

2005-02-15T22:48:00.000-08:00

i don't buy cds often. Its just a fact. I love music off the radio, for the most part its ever changing plus you can hear some older favorites. I often wonder what it would be like to have my own show. I certainly have the body for it. hahaha. Fun joke or not, i got Amy Grants Greatest hits 1986 to 2004. it offically awesome. Not awesome in a musical genius sor t of way, but in a magical progression of my life. In 1986 i was four years old, listening to the soft rock station in the car with my mother. Who do you suppose was on the radio? She has had a rocky career from personal choices, they are entertaining in the eyes of humanity. Any way alls i gots to say it "put all the trees in museums and charge 25 dollars so people can see them," this reminds me of a simpsons episode, i was not watching the simpsons in 1986, i would probably be worshiping the devil right now if that was the case. Oh yeah that line was from big yellow taxi, i for got to give the credit. Please leave comments with your experiances of amy grant, as much as the evagelical christian would disrgard this next statment. She is a flippin icon of mine and the generation before mine. So there, thats what love is for

A big dilemma

2005-02-01T22:44:00.000-08:00

allison Krauss and union station will be performing in fresno in early march. She is pretty much my favorite singer almost ever besides larue but thats another story for another time, hahaha. I am just kidding about larue. I did happen to listen to one of their cds today in the car to laugh and laugh is what i did. So anyway, i was mentioning this to a good friend of mine and he said good luck finding somebody to go with you. i really wanted to give him the finger. Then i did not because i figured he was right. i am still going to go. if its the death of me. I just need to find somebody to go with, other wise the concert would be super lame. kind of on opposite ends of the spectrum. How that for exciting!!!!!huh

life is moving

2005-01-05T23:53:00.000-08:00

its really great how life is. It was difficult. but now its good again for the most part. just as soon as i my rollercoaster life finsihed with the week after my 21st birthday, not that is was bad, just eventful. now that life is evening out, its good, its great and that is why i don't know why i am getting depressed, i think. any way i thought i would update, maybe next time i will go over the rollercoaster that my life was.

Life its funny

2004-10-18T22:28:00.000-07:00

Wow a lot has really happend since i last posted, i have been procrastinating for quite a while. Thats now over. I started an externship, stopped the externship because of moral issues. So i am on a job search slash extership search. Basically what i need is a job. any job i can relate to the world of culinaire, and write hours for my school to see that i learning. Companys don't understand what i was told by the school, they most likly can't understand me trying to explain this. It really has been a funny experience with leaving my last externship. I expected people to be mad. I think this was adefence mechinism for protecting my decsion. What ever, ever since i started there i was having constant issues and shit. Flat tires, migraines, long drives, just sick mentally and spirtually. It was nuts. i have been out of a job now for a week and two days and it sucks. I need something to do, so i can finish school. A few weeks ago at church a lady giving her testimony was talking about protecting her own. I have been attempting to do that with comfort. All my life i have looked for comfort, i am not comfortable in my own body, a symptom of ADD. So this search for comfort has lead to some interesting places. Maybe i need stop thinking about my comfort, my thought being if i am in a place of routine maybe this will bring omfort. if i am in this routine i can serve GOd better because i don't have to think as hard about other parts of my life. So am not comfortable, i want to be, but i don't think i am suposed to be comfortable here. Random thought, pray for my roomates, i am pretty sure they went to 'burn one down" if you need a translation give me a call. The only place i have ever felt like i have belonged to is church. It was tough and i am pretty sure its going to be tough to make that a priority when my industry frowns on stuff like that, stuff being an outside life. The kitchen is very much like jesus in that you sacrifice everything for your customer. You scarifice having a family, you sacrifice riendships from before. You live for that kitchen, your every breathing moment is for it. This is one of the major down falls of america. We are "Sucessful" because we sacrfice what is truly important to turn a profit. I WILL NOT DO THIS. My father worked hard to make money for us. to promote a comfortable life. And he did. But times in my life he was not there because he was working. I don''t want this at all. Can somebody find me a job that would promote this?
Plus through these past few weeks i have felt like a big loser, this not whoopie GOLdberg style etiher. I am the only one inmy school class who does not have a job, I left this job and i feel like my dad is disapointed in me because he did not teach me to quit. I feel like he is disapointed in me because he would not have done what i did. Leave a job before i had another one. So that is all for now. Prayer for work, prayer for something else would be nice. Love and peace.

last night in my apart ment and la

2004-09-23T22:21:00.001-07:00

it is nuts to think that a whole year has gone by and i was feeling the same way i am feeling today. Excited for opportunity, nervous cause i can't stand yelling, excited to see where God takes me. I am exceited to rely on him.
It seems that i always write after talking to a wonderful friend. She inspires me. Other than this i am sad to leave friends and excited to move into . God is good and provides when you need it. ONly with real repentences. love and peace

mental health days...are good

2004-09-14T21:39:00.000-07:00

I am so excited to work the system, its not really working the system, if i am gone one day every three week rotation my grade is still an A and an A is an A. Yeah plus i have alot to do over the next few weeks life is nuts thanks for the prayers.
Love and peace

ps the good fight has been a bit rocker over the past few days but its still good and God is good, i think i fell back on my old way because of anxeity, not a excuse but the truth, SO please pray for my anxieties

on my last real weekend in pasadena

2004-09-11T21:38:00.000-07:00

It has been great minus a little car trouble. I have lazily done a whole lot of nothing for today. except clean up small messes. Right now i am watching ella enchanted. It s a good movie, not great but who does not love a modern fariy tale love story. it has been great not doining anything all day.

I have a difficult time keeping up on this thing

2004-09-10T22:49:00.001-07:00

Its very ironic, mostly because while everybody was haveing great summers, i was in school, and now that every body is going back to school i will be finishing in Pasadena. What ever, for those of you who would care to have it my new address as of the 27 of sept. 455 E. Nees #243:fresno ca 93720. As always my number will be 5597604883.
Among others things life has been going very well except for my broken car. Again. WHy just three months ago i was having difficulty? yeah a bunch of horse crap. Tonight i was going through blogs of people i iknow around the internet. They are all great. I noticed that some people saw the movie napolleon dynamite. Its a good movie. I sudjest seeing it.
Earlier on in the week i got to see a close friend and experiance West Los angles with LAX. It was my first trip there. i have never been in side but the out side was very oragainzed and easy to get around. Like always i had a great God centered conversation. SHe gets me and i appreciate that. She said something that i still am not quite sure about. It was a strange vision that i don't exactly remeber having, but it seems very familiar. I am really confused. If you want to know about the maybe vision drop me a line i would love to bounce it off you, who ever is interested. Other than that life is great. The Good fight is being fought day by day and day by day i am coming closer to my King. I love it.

love and peace, josh

I have a difficult time keeping up on this thing

2004-09-10T22:49:00.000-07:00

Heck yeah i passsed

2004-09-02T18:29:00.000-07:00

SO just yesterday i was in LA and took my final exit exam for school. It was incredible. I have never been so stressed in my life. God came through as always and now i am free to move back to fresno with good friends and a new job. Party in the house (which ever house you be in). SO then i left for fresno at 1 45 in the morning. It was intense. I have never seen so many truckers on the road. if you have never road trip in the middle of the night i would recomend it. love peace and more.

PS the good fight is good

Thank you thank you

2004-08-31T23:49:00.000-07:00

It is so wonderful to hear from you all who have been writing. Its kind of late but i figured i would let everybody know that tommorow the desciding fate of graduation is descided by a final exam. If you read this before and during the hours of 5pm to 11pm please pray and i will report on it tommorow. I am a litte worried because i have not really been studying. in stead i went to see a great friend who moved into the area. She is always makes me think about my life and gives me insite. Tonight i made some connection and origins of my addiction. if you really want to know drop me an email and i will give you the details. And maybe in the next days becuse it is late. It is quite amazing the way God gives people spritual insite. Love and peace, prayers sent up for all.

An exciting day

2004-08-24T21:33:00.000-07:00

Today i went to William Sonnoma and bought an icecream machine. It was an incredible deal, i came home and took a nap, not because i wanted to, but i think God saved my life because of it. Then i woke up and was feeling tempted. So naturally i left home, i left the place that was tempting me. I went to the Christian book store. i found a few great books on this topic but alas no more money because of the ice cream maker. What do i do? In my other attempt to stay clean today, i have been switching television stations that have triggered an temptation. Surprisingly big Brother 5 has not swayed me in this way. For those of you who don't know what i am talking about read the previous post. This blog was originally for the purpose of discusing this aspeck of my life. It has taken so long to write about it. Pornography is a silent sin the eats your heart with silence. Thanks for your prayers. Love and peace

the air was cool...

2004-08-22T14:14:00.000-07:00

All of yesterday. I wake in the morning and i am freezing, its getting into the high fifties during the night. It is nice, its like spring all over again. Recently i have been frustrated with myself. I don't get mad i get frustrated, with me, with my situtation . I have been praying for three years in frustration with myself, my bondage, my sin. I had a nice vaction from my addiction during my camp tour. It was nice. I had people to support me, i had a way out. As soon as i left, i left my support behind, because the people that had been around me everyday who knew were not a part of my everyday life which left me with nobody who knew around me. That was the biggest mistake this addiction manifests itself in secret. This addiction to pornography manifested itself in me unitl yesterday when it finally clicked. I acredit this breakthrough, this discovery to the Holy Spirit, prayer from family members, and a dear friends blog where i read and remebered it as a symptom of a state of mind. This lead me to find great support on the internet at www.templetreasures.org. It was just the encouragement i needed. Thank you my Jesus for the break through. I guess the next step i need to take it figuring out what that original feeling, the original event to start a good recovery. I need a mentor who can support me. i figured before i would find the original somthing i would start isolating events that sway me. So if you read this i would ask and demand that you pray for me. The battle gets harder from here, when you aknowledge a lie you once believed from the enemy the attack is even harder.
That has been my big spiritual discovery, one step closer to being like Jesus.

Other than that my life is changing in a month i am moving back closer to where i once never wanted to go back to. I am moving in with one really good friend and another friend. I can only pray to see where God takes it. they have to choose for God to work just as i do for a community devoted to God.
Love and peace to all who read this

bad grammar alert

2004-08-07T22:17:00.000-07:00

Yeah it was me. slap on my hand. What i really wanted to say in my last post was: I want God there with me my new roomates. thats all. love and peace.

It has been forever since i have written

2004-08-05T22:25:00.000-07:00

So it has been incrediably long since i have written to my loyal fans. I thought that i would write because exciting things are happening in my life. I have been recieved in the family at Erna's Elderberry house. So excited, so scared. Its nuts to think that i will be working at a five star restaurant. I will shortly be moving back to my home with a few friends. I was God there more than anything, he will be there, i might be hard some times. I also found out that my dear brother Josh, his mother has a lump in her breast. Pray hard for her she is a wonderful woman of God. love and peace

a desperate plea for pray

2004-06-08T21:22:00.000-07:00

hello out there, there aren't to many people seeing this, it ok. I beleive God can bring people to read this and pray. So i work for this camp. I not there in person. Its alright. There is something huge going on atop this mountain where i used to live. One for my friend, God has this big plan i have forseen, i am not sure what it is but its big. I hear from another blog that satan is attacking. Its alright, not that he is attacking my friends and family, but that there is something happening that is good. It is good. It is good because God is goood. Pray please for these people that have givent their lives to a positive and wonderful call.
one more request, pray for my family, there is a ton of hurt there in my house. I could feel it and see it in my house when i went home this past weekend. It is sad to me to see my family in the state that they were. Love and peace and prayers

i just relized that i haven't written in for ever

2004-06-06T21:19:00.000-07:00

I have not written in forever mostly because my adoring fans (hahaha) are all gone. They started at camp today. I am not there. It seems so weird to me that i am not there. Mostly because i have spent most of my out of high school life at camp. Its fine though i am were i am supposed to be. Its been hard and thats fine, thats my little clue that this is were i am supposed to be. i came across 1900 house on pbs. It is a wonderful reality show with a historical twist. these are my favorite shows. i hope that one day i can be a part of one of there projects. i have school again tommorow it will go by quick. Pray for my brothers and sisters at camp, they need it.